last 5 wrds:

"jacob "

I decided I needed to see Jacob’s weekly lecture tonight. I haven’t been in months and months. Only once since I moved up north.

But I was pretty depressed and I was desperate.

So before I quit my job or did something drastic, I would see Jacob.

The ride there was rainy. And traffic filled.

My urges to smash my car into the median slowed as I drove.

I may be late. That was okay.

I surrendered to the night and that was good.

It was a good thing that I didn’t have to react to any road conditions. Because I was in a sort of forced mellow-out suspended animation.

Breathing slowed.

Sleeping while awake.

Probably a wonderful state to sit in. Probably good for my mental health.

But probably didn’t make me a very attentive driver.

Then again…moments before I had contemplated smashing into the median…so no big loss, I guess.

When I got there I went straight to a chair in the back, sat down and read.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone so I kept my eyes down.

I didn’t want to play nice. I didn’t want to put on my happy face and be pleasant.

I didn’t feel pleasant.

His talk was funny and perfect. As it often is.

Two main things I gleaned: (and I too rarely “glean...”)

1) A less than loud “NO” is a quiet “yes.”

2) We are all destined with great purpose. Live that life.

Re: 1) Lately I have been living in a non-engaged state. I have been uncommitted at work. And uncommitted anywhere else. I have quietly been saying “yes” to plans I don’t care for. Just because I don’t argue with them or embrace them, doesn’t mean they aren’t my plans. If I don’t speak up and someone else wants the office painted aqua, it still affects me. My lack of a no is a quiet yes. The same is true is job roles, company directions, and too many things that I am simply allowing to happen through a series of non-committed quiet “yeses”

Re: 2) Part of my recent depression has been my feeling that I am not living to my potential. Frustrated by my repeated failure to do certain things. It’s shocking that I have not written a book. Shocking because of the number of times I have used that failure to beat myself up. It’s like a sharp knife I keep around for when I’m feeling fragile.

But as Jacob talked, I heard voices of people telling me how I’ve helped them. How my following my truth has benefited them. And I remembered that realizing my purpose doesn’t have a shape. I would never have imagined my past “successes” would have been in the shape they were. And I need to relax and focus on the truth…not the path it leads me down. The path may NEVER involve finishing a book. I need to remember that truth and love are perfect. No matter what they look like.

I *do* have a gift from the universe. As we all do.

And I *do* have a profound ability to love.

And I need to believe that THAT LOVE is what creates the divine throne I’m destined to live on. Not a book. Not a screenplay. Not my name in any history book.

Follow my truth. Project my love.

Thanks, again, Jacob.


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