I decided I needed to see Jacob’s weekly lecture tonight. I haven’t been in months and months. Only once since I moved up north.
But I was pretty depressed and I was desperate.
So before I quit my job or did something drastic, I would see Jacob.
The ride there was rainy. And traffic filled.
My urges to smash my car into the median slowed as I drove.
I may be late. That was okay.
I surrendered to the night and that was good.
It was a good thing that I didn’t have to react to any road conditions. Because I was in a sort of forced mellow-out suspended animation.
Sleeping while awake.
Probably a wonderful state to sit in. Probably good for my mental health.
But probably didn’t make me a very attentive driver.
Then again…moments before I had contemplated smashing into the median…so no big loss, I guess.
When I got there I went straight to a chair in the back, sat down and read.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone so I kept my eyes down.
I didn’t want to play nice. I didn’t want to put on my happy face and be pleasant.
I didn’t feel pleasant.
His talk was funny and perfect. As it often is.
Two main things I gleaned: (and I too rarely “glean...”)
1) A less than loud “NO” is a quiet “yes.”
2) We are all destined with great purpose. Live that life.
Re: 1) Lately I have been living in a non-engaged state. I have been uncommitted at work. And uncommitted anywhere else. I have quietly been saying “yes” to plans I don’t care for. Just because I don’t argue with them or embrace them, doesn’t mean they aren’t my plans. If I don’t speak up and someone else wants the office painted aqua, it still affects me. My lack of a no is a quiet yes. The same is true is job roles, company directions, and too many things that I am simply allowing to happen through a series of non-committed quiet “yeses”
Re: 2) Part of my recent depression has been my feeling that I am not living to my potential. Frustrated by my repeated failure to do certain things. It’s shocking that I have not written a book. Shocking because of the number of times I have used that failure to beat myself up. It’s like a sharp knife I keep around for when I’m feeling fragile.
But as Jacob talked, I heard voices of people telling me how I’ve helped them. How my following my truth has benefited them. And I remembered that realizing my purpose doesn’t have a shape. I would never have imagined my past “successes” would have been in the shape they were. And I need to relax and focus on the truth…not the path it leads me down. The path may NEVER involve finishing a book. I need to remember that truth and love are perfect. No matter what they look like.
I *do* have a gift from the universe. As we all do.
And I *do* have a profound ability to love.
And I need to believe that THAT LOVE is what creates the divine throne I’m destined to live on. Not a book. Not a screenplay. Not my name in any history book.
Follow my truth. Project my love.
Thanks, again, Jacob.