last 5 wrds:

"insecure "

A few days ago someone wrote a comment in response to some beefcake pics I posted.
Their words came from a place of love and offered me suggestions of how to live better.
But something about the criticism rubbed me the wrong way.
I was defensive and annoyed.

If I was more evolved, I’m sure I would have been able to digest the criticism better. But -- as I tried to make clear in the comments discussion that followed – I am but a student.

I’m only midway on my path, just like I’ve always been.
Working through cycles of soaring hope and crushing self doubt.

People are often surprised when I mention my insecurity. An old family friend today actually said, “I always thought you were so confident…that nothing fazed you.”

I was flattered. But I quickly corrected that misconception.

Hell, yes do I get insecure.

The reason I self published from 96-2000 was because I was so scared of rejection. I have never submitted an article for publication. I own no rejection letters. This continues to be an area where I need to work on myself.

But that redirection of energy towards self publishing turned into all sorts of wonderful (alternate) adventures.
I was able to have many very spiritual, beautiful experiences along the way even though some of the original forks in the path were fear-influenced.

One reason I take so many pictures currently is because I like the way I look now. I have made myself into who I wanted to be when I was young and painfully insecure.
I can remember being in Lou’s Records when I was 13 and wishing I was like the brooding 20 something’s with crazy hair behind the counter. I wish I could hang out with 13-year-old me for a weekend.

It still feels very strange to me to look in the mirror…and like what I see.
It may be why I keep taking pictures…I’m continually surprised.

My need for flamboyancy is…um…. Complicated. And I’ve written about it many times. But lets just say that elements of my expression are pure art. While other parts are symptoms of insecurity.

But the bottom line is that, while my abs may be in good shape, I’m getting spiritually flabby. I need to step up the energy I dedicate to my spiritual practice. Please excuse me if I get snippy at criticism or lose my cool.

I’m trying.


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