It will all work out.
I’m trying not to get too attached to my thoughts lately. Lots of loneliness floating around. I’m trying not to dwell in it. I suppose I should sit in the emptiness more.
Look at the pain.
But I’m just not up to it.
I’m too fragile. Too susceptible to a downward spiral.
I need to remember that things aren’t good or bad. They just are.
I’m in no position to judge the situation.
A change was needed--That was known.
Of course “known” is a joke.
Nothing is known. And that is where the pain lies, I think.
Is this a mistake? There is a voice that says, “Certainly a path with this much pain must be a mistake. Go back to her…”
But I don’t think I can trust that voice. It is too short sighted.
I need to remember that while the last year has been bliss, there is a long journey ahead. Many years.
Years that, at this point, I’m unsure I can face.
If I am to live out the rest of my life, there are battles that must be fought alone.
It seems impossible considering how much her strength has helped me.
How can I do it alone?
Perhaps that is the heart of the issue.
Perhaps I have been supported too much by her strength. Her drive.
I need to find my own.
It will allow us BOTH to grow. By sharing her drive, we have both been stunted. We used to both be powerful spirits…2 lights burning bright. Somehow we became two at half luminescence.
I threw away who I was…and pretended I could start from scratch. But it doesn’t work that way. So I sat in an unfitting skin. Bringing down the people around me as I fussed and itched and complained about where I was.
Nobody was forcing me.
But I couldn’t break out.
She tried so hard to help me grow in my own directions.
But I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t regain my old footing. I couldn’t find new footing.
And I realize, that if I am ever to be a true partner, I need to find my own power. I need to find my own goals.
Only from that inner strength can I build a life with someone else.
Otherwise we would be doomed to resentment and discontent.
I almost picture myself with a little pack on a hillside. Looking down at the town I know to be comfortable and safe…smelling the comforting scents, yearning to run to my soft bed. And knowing that I must go off into the cold dark world. Knowing that the town will never feel like home unless I can subdue the dragon that I know is out there.
Or, more accurately, the dragon within.