I had a crazy day yesterday. If you plotted it on an emotional timeline, there would be a huge spike.
First I got my HIV tests back.(Negative). And also got cleared of gonorrhea, chlamidia, and some other crotch crimes.
Then a flat tire to fix on the side of the road.
Then news that my roomate’s cat was killed by a car.
I spent the rest of the morning listening to Moulin Rouge mp3’s on repeat and wrote about love.
In the afternoon, I met up with my ex to do some DMV paperwork. While talking afterwards, she prodded me about my path. Almost without warning, I found myself deep in a pit. One moment I was finishing her French fries, the next I was crying all over the crusts of my tuna melt.
My Ex always felt that I put too much energy into the mechanics of things, and not enough into ensuring that the soul is true. This was a constant battle revolving around projects like Globalgasm.
While I was running around fixing cams and uploading chatrooms, she chastised me for not being more in the moment. Be true to the event and that will shine through. If you are being ‘slick promoter guy,’ it will be obvious and the purpose is lost.
I have tried to maintain a good balance of being true, and promoting. I don’t think promoting is inherently evil since part of my true vision is growth. I want to have tens of thousands participating in Globalgasm. I want bosses to tell their employees, “I know Globalgasm is tonight, so I’ll understand if you’re a little late tomorrow.”
But after a year and a half. After 17 Globalgasms. After 3 interviews with MTV. After Thousands of email invites sent. After a number of magazine mentions.
The event is still small.
The first Globalgasm had 35 in the chatroom.
The latest had 150.
A movement? Hardly.
And not really enough to justify it being a full-time gig.
MTV returned for their year-later follow up interview. They asked me, “Last year you hoped this would be a world-wide phenomenon by now…are you disappointed? I hope my enthusiastic answer to the contrary didn’t betray my inner doubt.
Talking with my Ex, I had the realization that perhaps none of the projects I am investing in will ever be able to support me. I keep dreaming that I can survive in the modern world by following my dreams, but I’m beginning to think that’s not true.
I shouldn’t complain. Very few people are able to make a living by following dreams. Usually dreams are funded by “work.” (“Work” being anything you have to do when you’d rather be doing something else.)
When I suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of some of these dreams, My ex said, “So you’re going to kill yourself?”
She explained that either I’ll have to physically kill myself, or kill off a part of who I am in order to let go of my dreams.
She believes in me far more than I do. She believes I will make the world a better place.
Sometimes, I believe that, too.
But sometimes I think that the forces of darkness are just too strong. And that the momentum in the opposite direction is too great.
While sometimes it feels like I am riding the energy of a massive universal wave, other times it feels like I am fighting the tide.
I cried on my way home and got back just in time to do my radio show. (Note: it’s a good thing I don’t bill it as a comedy hour.)
After explaining my day, I played “Your Song” from Moulin Rouge and burst into tears again. (I listened to that track at least 20 times yesterday.)
It was an odd sensation. Camera on me. Audio being broadcast world-wide. And me whimpering into my hands. A dark private corner of my psyche laid out for all to see.
I didn’t feel embarrassed.
I couldn’t really explain the feeling. Defeated? Despair?
I suppose somewhere in the back of mind I knew that this was a part of a cycle. I knew that the darkness would fade.
The radio show was somber and sniffly. My eyes were red and my face was slick with tears and snot. A Hollywood moment it wasn’t.
At 7, I went to church. As always, it helped. It is crazy how hard it is for me to motivate to go to church, when I’m always glad I went. The same is true for the gym, I suppose.
(NOTE: Church is a weekly lecture on new thought spiritually by Jacob. NOT a traditional sermon by any means.)
There was lots of good stuff in Jacob’s talk. One main topic was the false gods that keep us from doing our true work. For him, it was Television. He stated that he had his cable turned off this week. Wow. I have huge respect for people that teach through sharing their path. He is seriously walking the talk. As he spoke of Television, I knew immediately what my false god is: CONNECTIVITY. Email and weblogs and diaries and message boards. My forward flow is almost completely paralyzed by my constant checking and re-checking for new electronic messages. It is like a drug. And I am clearly addicted.
I’ve known this before.
My to do list grows moss on it as I busy myself with the latest link or email. It is time I get to work.
Lets see if I can walk the talk. I’m going to try to set “log in” times throughout the day. And leave the rest of the time to be writing and moving forward. The email/webpage reading just keeps me trapped in a whirlpool of thought. It is pleasant, but deceptively harmful to my true purpose.
During the radio show, I heard myself whimper through my hands, “I suppose I can only do the best I can.”
Now its time for me to mean it.