last 5 wrds:

"despair "

Recently I started answering, “How’s it going?” with a statement that becomes more and more true for me:

“I waver between the depths of despair and soaring hope.”

It’s amazing that life can be such a miracle and such a burden.

Heaven and hell swirl together in life like chocolate and vanilla intertwine in a Dairy Queen soft serve cone.

And both can cause brain freeze if you aren’t careful.

Maybe it’s my current life circumstances? But I doubt it. I learn more and more that the events in our life are meaningless. It is out perceptions and reactions to events that form what life is.

It has been almost 2 years since I quit my last “real” job to pursue fame and fortune. My fortune is dwindling and my confidence is wavering.

But, like I said, sometimes it wavers into the levels of soaring hope.

Sometimes I think I’m gonna change the world.

Sometimes I feel the momentum inside me so strong that I feel like I’m not in control at all. That I’m simply a tool of the universe. And the more I succumb to the universe, the more powerful a tool I am.

Then other times, I feel lost.

No job. No plan. No money.

I often assume the leader role. But if I am lost, how dare I ask people to follow me? Do I ask that of people? Or do I do my thing and allow others to do theirs? If they follow the same path, it is only because they see merit in mine. Perhaps I am okay so long as I am honest.


I waste massive amounts of time. I get frustrated too easily. I get overwhelmed. I get selfish.

I think turning 30 has been harder than I expected. I feel I should have more taken care of in my life by now. I am nowhere near owning a home. I can’t even pay rent. I honestly consider moving back in with my parents as a legitimate backup plan. I am thirty years old, I remind myself. I think about a family, but I lack the patience to dog-sit for a weekend.

Today, while at a stop sign, A jerk behind me honked at me to go. The negativity ripped through me so hard, I lost faith in people. We are beyond help. We are angry and stupid and violent.

Its no wonder people dedicate their lives to making money and caring about the local sports team. It’s so much more black and white than the real world.

I find myself, more and more, faulting our big brains.

The human being, I think, is an evolutionary mistake.

We are the Frankenstein monster that destroys the lab that made us.

We are out of sync with natural rhythms. The universe is patterns and cycles within patterns and cycles. Fractals.

But our big brains allow us the arrogance to try to work outside those patterns.

We bring water to dry land.

Every other animal would go to the water. We bring the water to us.

This simple act is the precedent that allows us to burn forests, exterminate species, and pollute oceans.

Our big brains let us shape our world to fit our wants. Our big brains think they know better than the cycles of the universe.

Our big brains are defective.

They are not an asset. We are plagued with mental pains. What human does not have childhood trauma that affects them all their lives? Why does it take a lifetime of spiritual searching to (maybe) find peace? Why must we constantly distract ourselves? Why do we intoxicate ourselves?

Sometimes it feels like the purpose of life is to turn off our big brains.

To simply to stop thinking and return to being a part of the cycles…rather than constantly striving to master them.

When I see the world as a massive system of cycles, I glimpse the wonder of it all. I see the world with eyes of love. I see hope and beauty in every living cell.

I want to collapse under the weight of my own amazement.

But it only takes one blaring car horn to push me back into the rat race.

“I waver between the depths of despair and soaring hope.”


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