After spending hours mediating on my recent outburst, I thought I understood my loss of control. I was viewing it as a mental experiment. One that showed the futility of rage and loss of control. I allowed myself to let go into a state of rage and was not happy with the results. I decided that, while a good exercise, it was not a place I needed to go again.
Then I went there again last night.
I became unbearably frustrated again. Again, MissM was in the passenger seat. But this time, I was driving, not parked. I yelled, “I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS!!!” and proceeded to drive recklessly. Part of my shadow secretly wishing for me to crash or run into a ditch.
I lost control.
Once back home, I was so disappointed in myself.
I specifically told myself days ago that going to that place was of no use to me. And then, I returned there. Its like I discovered a whole new side of myself. A whole new broken side of myself.
I feel more flawed than ever. I feel less in control. I feel like a hypocrite.