Note: I recognize that I am in a funk. The text below is how I feel *right now.* But I donít plan on feeling this way for long.
I had this dream.
What if, by broadcasting my life, I could survive financially, simply by living?
Doing crazy things, being creative, exploring myselfÖas a profession as well as a personal adventure?
What if I could just explore new digital worlds (Globalgasm, HugNation, FeelTheLove Radio, Virtual Grace) and not stress about how they were gonna make money?
But instead let people into the process of these adventures and charge for that access.
Surely there must be a population of frustrated artists out there who hunger for a creatively fostering environment? And who would be willing to spend $4 a week to be a virtual housemate, yes?
Well, something didnít quite work out like planned.
I think the biggest reason was me not committing enough. I needed to host more events. Spend less time with my head buried in my monitor. I needed to be *there* more for people that were viewing the house. And for the physical housemates, too.
Iím dealing with guilt right now. I couldnít figure out what it was from at first. But I realize that I feel like Iíve failed Flare. She came out across the country to live in the creatively fostering environment. And it didnít exist. It was a home for slacking. Laying out naked by the pool and going to fabulous parties.
Sheís realized that she needs to leave if she is to blossom.
Heh. So much for a creative wonderland. We talk about being creative more than we actually are. I do, at least. BoBo has decided he needs to leave, too if he is to grow as an artist. Ashlee has been gone a month.
I introduced the idea of ďSeason TwoĒ to try to motivate myself to do what I said Iíd do all along. But maybe it doesnít matter. And maybe its far too late.
Iím worried that the reality may be that people donít want to pay for a site unless itís for sexual content. And I guess MissM and me having sex every night on cam isnít enough.
Well, life is about learning. And I shouldnít beat myself up.
The reality is that Iíve been living off savings and my girlfriend for almost a year.
I keep thinking that something will happen. The universe will provide me with an opportunity.
But maybe the universal plan is NOT for me to spend my time innovating and exploring.
I donít want to believe that. But I donít know what else I can do. Iíve build a 100,000 member community with 1 programmer and a lot of love. Iíve put my entire life on camera (showers, sex life, and all). I keep thinking that there is a way to do what I love and survive financially.
But I may lack the business mind to make a living this way.
I may have to come to terms with the reality that these web projects should be my spare-time hobbies. And that its time for me to give up and get a ďrealĒ job.
My confidence is low right now.
Maybe I could get a job like waiting tables. It would still allow me time to pursue other web projects. Thatís what actors do, right? I suppose I shouldnít think of it as failure. I should think of it as more lessons towards an end that I donít yet understand.
Well, if anyone has been watching TheRealHouse (and paying close attention) theyíve had quite a demonstration of ďreal.Ē
Youíve seen me hit walls, cry, try, fail, cheer, dance, kiss, and sing. Youíve seen us have heart-to-hearts. Youíve seen us attempt to overcome differences. Youíve seen me kick people out. Doors slammed in my face. Labels of ďhypocriteĒ and ďpornographerĒ thrown around. Youíve watched me fall in love with MissM. Youíve seen me go through trials with MissM. Seen me talk about a virtual hub for artists. And seen me fall short in the actualization of that goal.
Living under cams makes you hyper-aware of your actions. The hypocrisy shows through loud and clear with 24 hour surveillance. One of my goals in moving in here was to prove to myself that I walk the talk. Iím still not sure how I stack up in that category.
Is this house what I said it was going to be? No. Did I do everything in my power to make it so? No. Did I do enough? Iím not sure.
Iíve learned a lot about my weaknesses. Iíve actually learned that Iím weaker than I thought I was going into this project. That I have less to offer, except as an example of someone going through the same shit as everyone else.
I hope that Iíve at least met these lessons with honesty. That Iíve tried to be truthful in my acceptance of myself (and my weaknesses). I hope that I havenít pretended to be something that Iím not. If I projected an untrue image, It was because I believed itÖnot as an attempt to deceive.
If I have deceived, I apologize. I hate the thought that my failures would cause pain or distress to others. Itís the reason why I hated Team sportsÖI couldnít bear the anger of my teammates if I let them down.
Well, if Iíve let you down, Iím truly sorry.