This weekend has been an exercise in feeling human.
I definitely saw some of my own weakness.
I became agitated during a conversation in a parked car. I was so frustrated that I wanted to scream. I leaned back in my chair and lunged at the ceiling. I screamed as I banged my open hand against the roof of my car.
I lost control. The outburst left me embarrassed and unsettled. As my heart rate calmed down, I realized that I also injured myself. My neck was spasming and I�d scratched myself in several places. My forehead had a visible rug burn �from the car ceiling, I guess. I don�t really remember. It was a pretty primal outburst.
It scared MissM.
On one hand, I think about how comfortable I must be with her to allow myself to express that raw an emotion.
On the other hand, I am scared at the violence and lack of control.
I�m feeling flawed and weak.
I�m feeling like I�m not as far along the path as I thought.
I�m feeling like I have lots of work to do on myself.
I�m feeling discouraged.
I�m feeling like the top of all my web pages should have a disclaimer:
[WARNING: do not take this person�s ideas too seriously. He may come across as someone with a rock-solid worldview, but he has a long way to go. Proceed with caution.]
Maybe when the rug burn fades I�ll be able to stop thinking about my weakness and move on. Maybe not.
�