It will all work out.
I�m trying not to get too attached to my thoughts lately. Lots of loneliness floating around. I�m trying not to dwell in it. I suppose I should sit in the emptiness more.
Look at the pain.
But I�m just not up to it.
I�m too fragile. Too susceptible to a downward spiral.
I need to remember that things aren�t good or bad. They just are.
I�m in no position to judge the situation.
A change was needed--That was known.
Of course �known� is a joke.
Nothing is known. And that is where the pain lies, I think.
Is this a mistake? There is a voice that says, �Certainly a path with this much pain must be a mistake. Go back to her��
But I don�t think I can trust that voice. It is too short sighted.
I need to remember that while the last year has been bliss, there is a long journey ahead. Many years.
Years that, at this point, I�m unsure I can face.
If I am to live out the rest of my life, there are battles that must be fought alone.
It seems impossible considering how much her strength has helped me.
How can I do it alone?
Perhaps that is the heart of the issue.
Perhaps I have been supported too much by her strength. Her drive.
I need to find my own.
It will allow us BOTH to grow. By sharing her drive, we have both been stunted. We used to both be powerful spirits�2 lights burning bright. Somehow we became two at half luminescence.
I threw away who I was�and pretended I could start from scratch. But it doesn�t work that way. So I sat in an unfitting skin. Bringing down the people around me as I fussed and itched and complained about where I was.
Nobody was forcing me.
But I couldn�t break out.
She tried so hard to help me grow in my own directions.
But I just couldn�t do it.
I couldn�t regain my old footing. I couldn�t find new footing.
And I realize, that if I am ever to be a true partner, I need to find my own power. I need to find my own goals.
Only from that inner strength can I build a life with someone else.
Otherwise we would be doomed to resentment and discontent.
I almost picture myself with a little pack on a hillside. Looking down at the town I know to be comfortable and safe�smelling the comforting scents, yearning to run to my soft bed. And knowing that I must go off into the cold dark world. Knowing that the town will never feel like home unless I can subdue the dragon that I know is out there.
Or, more accurately, the dragon within.
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