Soundtrack – “Landslide” – Smashing Pumpkins (cover of Stevie Nicks)
Just had lunch with MissM.
Our first conversation since breaking up.
Beforehand I wondered what would happen. Would there be hugs or yelling? Closure or attacks?
It was wonderful to see her. We took care of business. We caught up. We laughed. And I cried.
I miss her.
I miss a life with her.
I miss coffee in the morning.
I miss working on the computer as she slept.
I miss crawling into bed next to her and intertwining with her perfect sleeping form.
She told me, even as a friend, she thinks I could do more. Be more.
And I realize, that I may be a better person with her.
This last month without her has been floating. A lazy drift below my potential.
A transition phase? Or a look at my shortcomings?
I’m scared of what I will never become.
Was I scared of where she was helping me go?
Who she was helping me become.
Am I where I am because of Love? Or Fear?
I am too close to the transition to see clearly.
During MTV’s follow up interview, they asked questions about the breakup. They reminded me of the depth of bliss MissM and I had a year ago. It was hard to go there. What do you say? Yes, I was supremely happy. I was so enveloped in love and warmth, I felt I could change the world with an embrace.
What do you say?
It doesn’t make the experience any less.
When a person dies, is their legacy erased?
When a relationship dies, is the legacy of their love erased?
But I wonder what else I am leaving in the past.
And if I am moving forward, or running away.
I still love her.
Someday I hope to have her as an ally again.
But there is too much now.