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"weakness "

This weekend has been an exercise in feeling human.

I definitely saw some of my own weakness.

I became agitated during a conversation in a parked car. I was so frustrated that I wanted to scream. I leaned back in my chair and lunged at the ceiling. I screamed as I banged my open hand against the roof of my car.

I lost control. The outburst left me embarrassed and unsettled. As my heart rate calmed down, I realized that I also injured myself. My neck was spasming and Iíd scratched myself in several places. My forehead had a visible rug burn Öfrom the car ceiling, I guess. I donít really remember. It was a pretty primal outburst.

It scared MissM.

On one hand, I think about how comfortable I must be with her to allow myself to express that raw an emotion.

On the other hand, I am scared at the violence and lack of control.

Iím feeling flawed and weak.

Iím feeling like Iím not as far along the path as I thought.

Iím feeling like I have lots of work to do on myself.

Iím feeling discouraged.

Iím feeling like the top of all my web pages should have a disclaimer:

[WARNING: do not take this personís ideas too seriously. He may come across as someone with a rock-solid worldview, but he has a long way to go. Proceed with caution.]

Maybe when the rug burn fades Iíll be able to stop thinking about my weakness and move on. Maybe not.


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