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"faith "

** Let me preface the below by apologizing to Kaycee’s energy and to her family. I hope the idea that Kaycee’s story is a hoax is wrong. I hope so bad I’m shaking. I’m embarrassed and angry at myself for my lapses in faith. But to deny that I am having doubts would be a lie. **

I’m extremely distraught.

I just punched the wall and broke the drywall. I’ve never done that before. My hand hurts and I feel dizzy.

I may need to get offline for a while.

Do I have doubts about Kaycee’s existence? Yes.

My faith is damaged.

I talked to a girl on the phone 2 years ago. I followed her site and exchanged emails with her. I encouraged many other people to visit her site.

Heck, on Martin Luther King’s birthday, I reviewed her site on a radio station as an example of real life inspirations.

But is it possible that someone has been duping me? Duping all of us? Certainly.

If this has been some sort of INSANELY intricate, multi-year hoax, I will be crushed. I will feel especially bad about encouraging so many people to read Kaycee.

While I still feel her words and positivity are meaningful, I think that if there is deceit, it may nullify the good.

Like I said, I’m distraught.

I’ve written about “Optimism Tax” in the past.

*If* this is a hoax, then we all just paid a pretty stiff optimism tax. The challenge will be for us to not let this be a permanent damage to us. Can we pay our tax, and then go about our business? Or will we forever keep our hands on our heart’s wallet…always suspecting that the next person we meet will pickpocket us?

My whole life is about promoting love and positivity through this magical pixilated world. And now I am swimming in doubt about the whole thing.

And the worst of all? I have no proof one way or another. I am a poor model for positive thinking, I fear. I am doubting myself, perhaps that is the worst of all.

I want to know in my heart that all the naysayers are wrong, but I can’t help these occasional twinges of “what if?!?”

I share these feelings because they are honest. I saw someone write:

“Halcyon says she existed.That's good enough for me. “

I want to make sure that people understand that I have no more proof than anyone else. My experiences were real, but do not rule out the potential for fraud. Perhaps my overly trusting nature and rose-colored glasses perpetuated all this.

I splay myself open and encourage others to the same. But the truth is, there is no guarantee that your vulnerability will not be taken advantage of.

Let me say that again, for my own benefit:

There is never a guarantee that your vulnerability will not be taken advantage of.

That is true in every aspect of life. But what you will miss out on by staying guarded is immeasurably larger than what anyone can take away from you.

I think the lesson that I need to work through (and perhaps many of us) is that, *if* this has been a hoax, how can I not let it destroy my ability to trust?

And if it is not a hoax, how can I forgive myself?

 


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