I’m ashamed of myself.
I’ve told my girlfriend that I want to tone down our sex for Globalgasm.
I’ve been so bruised by people attacking my “pornographic” endeavor that I just want to get through it without additional attacks.
So I’m trying to avoid anything beyond romantic, vanilla sex. Even though our sex life usually involves blindfolds at the very least.
I’m trying to downplay the exhibitionist thrill that I may be getting out of it.
Haven’t even mentioned publicly what a kick it’s been to be having a sex on cam.
How I’ve been watching MissM and I on archive. How seeing each other climax, again, while we’re holding each other still dizzy from a recent encounter…is well, incredibly erotic.
To watch porns of myself with the women I love…my god. It’s like a dream come true. I love her. I love porn.
They’re two great tastes that taste great together.
Much like peanut butter and chocolate.
Yet, so much more shameful, apparently.
I’ve been embarrassed to admit I like it.
I’ve been afraid of further judgment, I think.
Being called a “pornographer”, “greedy,” and a “sellout” made me feel a certain amount of hurt.
I’m ashamed to admit that I let the fear of more hurt govern my actions.
My lover (and one of 3 co-founders of Globalgasm.) wanted to do grand things for Globalgasm.
She wanted costumes, and role-playing, and bondage, and all the fun things that we do for special sensual occasions.
To her, this was a form of celebration.
A scream from the rooftops that said, “I think sex is a beautiful thing. And I have no shame of it. I think it’s a healing force and we should ALL release a little positive sexual energy for the benefit of the world’s consciousness!!!”
But after a few negative message board posts, (mostly anonymous), I was ready to throw up the white flag.
I was ready to back down from my sex-positive stance. When the truth is, I still believe those things…vehemently.
I’ve always been “pro-sex,” but recently it’s evolved from “sex is not bad” to “sex is downright GOOD.” Part of this is due to breathing exercises I’ve been doing and other recent breakthroughs in personal awareness.
I am happy and at a point of sexual comfort I’ve never been before. I truly believe my sex life is a major role in my current mental space.
So should I downplay it to avoid possible negativity?
I should write about it. And I should pursue understanding it even more. Because that is what I do.
I’m sorry that I forgot that.
Fear may have won the battle. But I’ll win the war.