I�m ashamed of myself.
I�ve told my girlfriend that I want to tone down our sex for Globalgasm.
I�ve been so bruised by people attacking my �pornographic� endeavor that I just want to get through it without additional attacks.
So I�m trying to avoid anything beyond romantic, vanilla sex. Even though our sex life usually involves blindfolds at the very least.
I�m trying to downplay the exhibitionist thrill that I may be getting out of it.
Haven�t even mentioned publicly what a kick it�s been to be having a sex on cam.
How I�ve been watching MissM and I on archive. How seeing each other climax, again, while we�re holding each other still dizzy from a recent encounter�is well, incredibly erotic.
To watch porns of myself with the women I love�my god. It�s like a dream come true. I love her. I love porn.
They�re two great tastes that taste great together.
Much like peanut butter and chocolate.
Yet, so much more shameful, apparently.
I�ve been embarrassed to admit I like it.
I�ve been afraid of further judgment, I think.
Being called a �pornographer�, �greedy,� and a �sellout� made me feel a certain amount of hurt.
I�m ashamed to admit that I let the fear of more hurt govern my actions.
My lover (and one of 3 co-founders of Globalgasm.) wanted to do grand things for Globalgasm.
She wanted costumes, and role-playing, and bondage, and all the fun things that we do for special sensual occasions.
To her, this was a form of celebration.
A scream from the rooftops that said, �I think sex is a beautiful thing. And I have no shame of it. I think it�s a healing force and we should ALL release a little positive sexual energy for the benefit of the world�s consciousness!!!�
But after a few negative message board posts, (mostly anonymous), I was ready to throw up the white flag.
I was ready to back down from my sex-positive stance. When the truth is, I still believe those things�vehemently.
I�ve always been �pro-sex,� but recently it�s evolved from �sex is not bad� to �sex is downright GOOD.� Part of this is due to breathing exercises I�ve been doing and other recent breakthroughs in personal awareness.
I am happy and at a point of sexual comfort I�ve never been before. I truly believe my sex life is a major role in my current mental space.
So should I downplay it to avoid possible negativity?
Fuck no.
I should write about it. And I should pursue understanding it even more. Because that is what I do.
I�m sorry that I forgot that.
Fear may have won the battle. But I�ll win the war.
�