last 5 wrds:
hugmobile
How
downers
danceoff
Generations

"fear "

I�m ashamed of myself.

I�ve told my girlfriend that I want to tone down our sex for Globalgasm.

I�ve been so bruised by people attacking my �pornographic� endeavor that I just want to get through it without additional attacks.

So I�m trying to avoid anything beyond romantic, vanilla sex. Even though our sex life usually involves blindfolds at the very least.

I�m trying to downplay the exhibitionist thrill that I may be getting out of it.

Haven�t even mentioned publicly what a kick it�s been to be having a sex on cam.

How I�ve been watching MissM and I on archive. How seeing each other climax, again, while we�re holding each other still dizzy from a recent encounter�is well, incredibly erotic.

To watch porns of myself with the women I love�my god. It�s like a dream come true. I love her. I love porn.

They�re two great tastes that taste great together.

Much like peanut butter and chocolate.

Yet, so much more shameful, apparently.

I�ve been embarrassed to admit I like it.

I�ve been afraid of further judgment, I think.

Being called a �pornographer�, �greedy,� and a �sellout� made me feel a certain amount of hurt.

I�m ashamed to admit that I let the fear of more hurt govern my actions.

My lover (and one of 3 co-founders of Globalgasm.) wanted to do grand things for Globalgasm.

She wanted costumes, and role-playing, and bondage, and all the fun things that we do for special sensual occasions.

To her, this was a form of celebration.

A scream from the rooftops that said, �I think sex is a beautiful thing. And I have no shame of it. I think it�s a healing force and we should ALL release a little positive sexual energy for the benefit of the world�s consciousness!!!�

But after a few negative message board posts, (mostly anonymous), I was ready to throw up the white flag.

I was ready to back down from my sex-positive stance. When the truth is, I still believe those things�vehemently.

I�ve always been �pro-sex,� but recently it�s evolved from �sex is not bad� to �sex is downright GOOD.� Part of this is due to breathing exercises I�ve been doing and other recent breakthroughs in personal awareness.

I am happy and at a point of sexual comfort I�ve never been before. I truly believe my sex life is a major role in my current mental space.

So should I downplay it to avoid possible negativity?

Fuck no.

I should write about it. And I should pursue understanding it even more. Because that is what I do.

I�m sorry that I forgot that.

Fear may have won the battle. But I�ll win the war.


previous
| next

wrds index | cockybastard | email

page easily updated through Diaryland.com