After lunch there was hope.
True, after lunch we were broken up. But there was hope.
She said, "I'll always be here."
She said, "Call me if you need to talk."
At bedtime, it was different.
She said, "Don't call me. Don't e-mail me. I don't want any contact from you. I want you out of my life so I can move on."
She said "I'll come down Friday to get my stuff."
I may be misquoting. It was something like that.
She said some things that hurt. She said some things that will stay lodged under the skin…like a chunk of rusty metal…slowly infecting me.
And I know I may deserve them.
She said I was walking away.
I said we were playing chicken.
I guess I just bailed out of the car first. Was my decision made out of fear? Partially. And that is the rusty nugget she has planted.
My logical brain can make me distrust the heart. Some things are just too ludicrous. The heart wants to believe anything is possible. And my brain won't let it.
Some things are just too irrational.
Or are they?
I once had a dream of having job where I did nothing but tell silly stories. There must be 5 guys in the world who make a living doing that.
That seemed insane to me 8 years ago. Preposterous. Now I am close.
So why do I still let my brain win sometimes? Why do I still hear the voice that says, "This is impossible." ?
I don't know.
But I've learned to trust that logical voice. It's the same voice that says don't jump off a tall building. The voice is there to protect me.
Perhaps I will always regret my lack of faith.
I can write around it all I want. It doesn't make it hurt less.
march 23, 2000